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Depression

The barometer has been all over the place lately and you know what that means! It means I'm not at all well in my brainmeats right now.

Current delusion is the Imposter Syndrome. In this ideation, I believe that I am a complete fraud who has gotten one over the world, but isn't proud of that. I cried through Basic Training after all. I had a suicide attempt in Afghanistan. I've been hired to the AUSA because they don't know what I'm really like. And so on.

Thing is, I actually do believe this about myself, and don't know if I can change that...or if I should.

Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
helenkacan
Jan. 29th, 2015 04:42 am (UTC)
Uh ... I don't know what to say, but I have to try to say something.

First of all, you might want to flock this post.

Secondly, please reread your first paragraph. And again. Barometric fluctuations DO affect your moods and self-perception and are obviously doing a major number ATM. So I have to wonder what happened to the diagnosis from a couple decades ago and the meds you were prescribed that balanced the extreme highs and lows.

I hope one of your friends in closer proximity to you will comment or reach out to you by other means.

Sending you worried hugs from Canada.
kishiriadgr
Jan. 29th, 2015 05:00 am (UTC)
1. Why should I friends-lock it? I'm not a secretive person.

2. I'm on Paxil, which is for both depression and anxiety. I plan to raise it a tad (doc said I could adjust as needed).

3. Friends in closer proximity? HAH!
garpu
Jan. 29th, 2015 04:48 am (UTC)
I know how this goes. I really do. I've got a fairly respectable CV, yet I focus on the shit that went wrong, could've been handled better, etc. Hell, I defended the DMA 4 years ago, but I still worry I'll be "found out," as it were.
kishiriadgr
Jan. 29th, 2015 07:54 pm (UTC)
Yep, that is exactly my feel. I only got my doctorate because they felt sorry for me, is the thought.
garpu
Jan. 29th, 2015 08:00 pm (UTC)
Are you in my brain, again?
wombat_socho
Jan. 29th, 2015 06:39 am (UTC)
I was going to be flip and quote The Right Stuff at you, but even as tired as I am now I realize that's stupid.

If you can change this attitude, you should. It took me years of contrary experiences, help from friends and a good therapist to get shut of it myself. And if an undisciplined former troll* like me can do it, you sure as hell can. You're not the only one who broke down and cried in Basic.

*It said 98G2LRUK3 on my Form 2, but I know what I was doing. :)

Edited at 2015-01-29 06:39 am (UTC)
selenite
Jan. 29th, 2015 08:51 pm (UTC)
You may not be the perfect person you think you should be, but I think the Army and the rest are glad to have you on the Bear-Racing principle: You run/think/work better than the others. So let the bear eat the others and keep plugging.

*hugs*

PS. Is Paxil the only med the doc's tried on you? I had to rotate through several until I found a good fit. That worked for about ten years then started giving me panic attacks so I had to switch to something else.
selenite
Jan. 30th, 2015 04:52 am (UTC)
Just saw this, hoping it'll get a smile:
https://tabulacandida.wordpress.com/2015/01/11/impostor/
kishiriadgr
Jan. 30th, 2015 04:40 pm (UTC)
Bwahaha! You are so right.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )

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