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Wrestling inner demons

As those who know me well are aware, I have an ongoing struggle with chronic anxiety. I sometimes think I might need medications, but I'm trying to go without.

Unfortunately, the Army gives my anxieties a lot of fodder. SSGT B is pitchforking it out. She's S1 of the female tent (she told me to move into it for "accountability" and I was glad to do that since alone in a tent I did not feel safe) and then immediately told me I was not to leave Tent City alone, because she'd seen me walking alone and I was to have someone with me at all times.

You all know how much I love THAT, especially since JFT Bravo is perfectly safe during the day. At night there's a large permanent party who drink a lot so I wouldn't want to mess around with that situation.

MAJ E wondered last night why I was shadowing him. When I told him about her order (B told me that she had been told to forbid us to walk alone) he said that I shouldn't worry about it because she's not in my chain of command, has no authority over me, and we confirmed with the Mayor of Tent City that no, this is NOT a JFT Bravo rule.

Only thing is, I really don't want to be put in a situation where I have to confront an E6 and tell her she's wrong. Plus I have to live with the woman. That's been a big source of nourishment for my anxiety. I also added on "am I going to be allowed off post for Good Friday and Easter Vigil? (Update, Sergeant Major says yes, and he and MAJ E, who also gives permission, constitute the entirety of my chain of command.) I also noticed that SGT R was running around the base by herself after the engineer duty day ended at 1300 (the bulldozer never arrived so they can't work), and SSGT B saw her and spoke to her, so if SSGT B says ONE WORD I think I can be reasonable about telling her no. If she has a problem, I'll send her to MAJ E.

Temperatures here are floating around 103 degrees F. Last night however, I was so cold that between shivering and being in the grip of anxiety I couldn't sleep. Today at the PX however I found a cheap looking polyester blanket that had a bar code on it but no price. I took it to the register and the scanned price came up as $1.17. The cashier checked a couple more times and yes, the item is $1.17. I was insanely grateful and felt downright blessed. Perhaps tonight I'll actually be warm.

Also in the blessings column, I forgot to mention how I found out about the Holy Week events. The nice young lady with the adorable female toddler who sat beside me on the bus from Tegus as they call the capital, turned out to be a really, REALLY devoted Catholic. RCIA sponsor and everything. She likes EWTN but we'll ignore that. We hit it off very well, she offered to take me to mass at the Franciscan monastery with her husband.

...Her husband who turned out to be the base commander. So that power couple and I have made friends.

I also discovered that if I take a pad out and write down the things I'm angsting about, the angst subsides. I don't know why. It's something I tried with success once at 27D school and it worked a second time today. I don't need to write a big essay, only "I'm nervous about getting my laundry done on Friday" or "I'm nervous about a confrontation with SSGT B" and it's like I took an emotional painkiller. I don't know what this means, but if I can manage my fears that easily, I'll use the method more often.

Oh, and electorprince, I'm reading a copy of "Fulgrim" I bought for the plane and the library here has an "Imperial Guard Omnibus" I'm reading in the library. "15 Hours" is turning out to be a real page-turner.

Last thing, they handed out doxycycline as an anti-malaria prevention so now that's covered.

More when I can.


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 6th, 2009 11:23 pm (UTC)
I've always hated that buddy rule since I'm a pretty independent person and have always been one to go against it.
Apr. 7th, 2009 07:13 pm (UTC)
The buddy rule sucks, but since IET I've never been in a situation where if it was the rule, it was enforced. SSGT B was just on a power trip. If she decides to complain to me about it, she can talk to MAJ E. or Sergeant-Major since THEY are my chain, not her. We just share a tent.
Apr. 6th, 2009 11:38 pm (UTC)
The writing-down thing has merit. It's along the same lines of acknowledging another's disappointment (such as a parent responds to a child, "Yes, it IS frustrating that you can't go on the trip," or whatever); there is no resolution to the problem, but it has been heard and acknowledged.

So, what you're doing by writing these points down is transmitting from one part of the brain to another in the form of acknowledgment. Makes sense to me.
Apr. 7th, 2009 12:55 am (UTC)
I hope the blanket does the trick. I know that sometimes just one little layer of something does it for me.

I'm glad writing is helping!
Apr. 7th, 2009 02:54 am (UTC)
Writing is great therapy.
Apr. 7th, 2009 02:54 am (UTC)
Writing shit down is always good.
Apr. 7th, 2009 10:36 pm (UTC)
Fulgrim is very, very strange, but it's also more forthcoming than Flight of the Eisenstein as to how pervasive Chaos was in regards to the Great Crusade, and it's also very illuminating as to how even the line Space Marines reacted and were swayed by the lure of the Warp in spite of their training, their physical alterations, etc.
Apr. 8th, 2009 07:29 pm (UTC)
I'm liking it because of how the tool Chaos is using to infiltrate is ART. Enjoying it very much indeed.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )


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